Just when I thought......

Just when I thought I was in charge, and I thought I was their teacher. My little ones surprise and amaze me with little lessons that have a big impact. My kids teach me so much on a daily basis. I am constantly taught, the lessons my loving Heavenly Father wants me to learn. I see so many new things through the eyes of an awesome daddy God, who sees me much as I see my little ones. There are so many lessons, memories, and awesome teaching moments we all miss if we aren't paying attention. This blog is dedicated to those 3 awesome kids who show me something new every day, and an awesome heavenly Father who loves me enough to push me to grow.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Bully

It was a warm summer day back in June, and our house was bustling as usual. My 6 year old daughter Trinity was getting ready to go to her first day of Summer Camp, and she could hardly contain herself.  That day, the kids would be visiting the bowling alley, and Trinity would have her first opportunity to be in charge of her own concession stand money.  I gave her $5.00, and listened to her excitedly go over the list of all the things she wanted to buy.  In a typical mom tone I repeatedly told her, "Don't lose that money, Trinity." and "Don't even take it out of your pocket, Trin, no one needs to know you have it!"
As an elementary school student myself, I was picked on an bullied severely, and now as an adult, I realize that my experience as a child has carried over into my parenting style. I was concerned, as I thought about her throughout the day. I hoped she was having fun. I hoped her concession stand experience was all that she hoped it would be. I was excited for her, and a little sad because "my baby is growing up!" I think most moms experience something like this every now and again.
When I picked Trinity up from camp that day, I did not see the bouncing happy little girl I thought I would see. She looked exhausted, and pretty much collapsed into the van with a huff. I asked her how the day had gone and if she had fun, and all I got was "it was fine." I could tell she was not herself, I didn't want to pry, so I waited for her to volunteer some information.
She said almost nothing the entire trip home. When we got inside the house, I asked "what did you get with your money at the snack bar?" And that's when it happened.  First her lip quivered, then her eyes got red and welled up with tears. She was trying so hard to fight them back, but there was no mistaking that they were coming.  Immediately I was concerned, and asked what was wrong? Through tears she said, "I didn't want you to be mad at me, but I thought I'd get in trouble if I didn't share." Now I was confused. "What happened Trinity?" Trinity began to tell me her story through her sobs. "There was a girl named Cameron that was older, *Sniff* and she told me I had to share my snack bar money with her, *sniff sniff* and I thought I would get in trouble if I didn't share, so she ordered french fries for us, *Sniff* and I didn't want french fries, but I didn't want to be bossy. I didn't want to tell you because I thought you'd be mad that I showed Cameron that I had money."  Sniff Sniff....    I asked "Trinity wasn't there money left over?" She replied "Well I think so but when the lady gave the money back, Cameron took it and I didn't want to tattle."
I was so mad I couldn't see straight.  My heart was hurting for this confused little girl. I gave her a big hug, and told her she didn't do anything wrong, and that I wasn't mad at her. I told her we would get back in the van and go to the convenience store so she could pick out a treat. Then I called the school to demand justice..... Which got no results because no one saw what happened, and Trinity had acted happy about the French Fries because she didn't want to get in trouble for not sharing.
I wanted to protect Trinity. I wanted to go talk to Cameron myself, and find her mom to tell her what a rude daughter she was raising. Those of you who know me, know I would never have actually done that. :)  My mind raced with so many thoughts.  It bothered me that my daughter was scared to tell me what happened. My thoughts went back to horrible childhood school memories.
We've been teaching her to share, and in this situation she was confused. How do I tell her "Well Trinity, you don't have to share your money, you should have saved it for yourself."  How contradictory is that to what we're trying to teach her? I don't want her to be untrusting, yet I do want her to be wise. I want her to turn the other cheek in the right situations, yet I don't want her to be walked on.
There's not always a right answer.  I wish I could look back and say, "This is how I should have handled that." I don't know. The truth is there will always be a bully out there, and there won't always be a right way to handle it.
If I were Trinity, and God is my father, what lesson do I learn from this experience? As my Heavenly Father, God sees me the same way I see Trinity.  I was overwhelmed with joy, because of her joy. I was excited for her to experience something new, because I want her to experience all that life has to offer. It broke my heart to see her hurt, yet I knew she would learn a valuable lesson by going through it. It bothered me that she was scared to talk to me about it. I comforted her and told her everything was going to be okay.
Why is God the last one we turn to sometimes when we get beat up in life? When life hits us like a ton of bricks, why do we try to handle it ourselves, acting like God is to busy, doesn't want to handle it or will be mad because we made wrong choices?
I'm learning that God is a faithful, loving Father who is forgiving, caring and wants to protect us. He sees us just like I see my kids, in so many ways.

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